I always read other people's blogs and think "I wish I could write about things like that" or "I wish I could just say what is really happening and what I really think". Especially after reading Steph's blog. She always writes the most honest stories. I think I don't because I'm scared as to who will read it and what people will think. That people will think less of me or judge me. Or maybe that people just won't like what I have to say and won't listen to me. But tonight I'm putting all that aside, because I really have something I want to say that has been saddening me like no one would believe.

I always wished I had one of those perfect families. I don't. I have a far from perfect family. I used to spend so much of my high school days and onwards at Chantelle's house. And it wasn't just because she was my best friend. It was because she had the best family. I love her family. And I always wished that they were mine. I always wished I had a family just like that. There was always someone around to talk to and they were always so nice to each other. Sure, they had their arguments like every family but that's what made them so great in my eyes. They were fights with love. Not hate. I always wanted one of those relationships with my family where you stuck together and could talk about any ting. You could go anywhere and do anything together. A really tight-knit family. Instead I have two sisters I seem to have nothing in common with and never see.

I was 18 months old when my eldest sister got married. So needless to say, we have never been that close simply because of the age difference. By the time she had two children of her own, I was 9. I loved playing with those kids. My Dad has a farm only a kilometre or so from where she used to live. I used to go out there nearly every weekend with him and ride my bike to her house. I would spend endless amounts of time playing with the kids. Reading them stories, playing in the sand-pit with them. I would fold dozens and dozens of cloth nappies for her while she cooked tea or hung the washing out in peace. And I didn't do it because I felt I had to or was made to feel like I had to. I did it because I wanted to. And because lord I loved those kids. They were more like my little brother and sister than my niece and nephew. As I got older and the kids got older, I guess I didn't see them as much. They were going to school and had their own friends. I was really busy with my athletics. Things just changed. It was no ones fault. But i still remember being out there with those kids like it was yesterday.

When my second sister had her first baby, I was 17. I was in flat out party mode, I had my first job and I had just gotten my licence. The good old days! I used to go out and see her every Wednesday night while her partner was away, and I used to visit on the weekends as well. Even with a hang over :-) I loved playing with that little boy. And I loved spending that one on one time with my sister. We have never been close, just totally different personalities and different people. But those first 9 months of her being a Mum were when we were the closest. At least I think so. It was great and I loved it. We used to take the bubba for walks and my sister even took me for a few driving lessons on the farm right before I got my licence! She was a very brave lady! I was doing a massage course at the time and I used to practice on her. It felt like a real sister relationship. I remember that time with great fondness, and I can honestly say I don't remember us having a single argument in that time. It was almost like the perfect relationship I had always wanted.

Then one month after I turned 18, things seemed to go sour again. And this time it was more than obvious what the reason was. I was pregnant. At a time when I needed the support of my family more than ever, especially my sister, I got none. Well, that isn't exactly true. I got the mixed bag to start with. The offer of baby clothes which I gladly took up. Bits of good advice were thrown to me here and there. And as my due date approached, the here and there bits of good were getting further and further apart.

To be totally honest with everyone, Craig and I had been together for just under a month when I became pregnant. Yes, obviously it was an accident. I don't say mistake because that would imply he should never have been here and I regret having him which I can guarantee I certainly do not. It was just that - an accident. But one which bought a more than positive result for all of us. Except for my relationship with my sister.

I remember being out there one afternoon and I was heavily pregnant. I'm thinking somewhere about the 7 and 1/2 month mark. Because Craig and I hadn't been together very long, we were both totally in tune with the fact that realistically things may not work out. We were both wanting it to and certainly weren't just waiting around for one or the other to do the breaking up. We were very committed. But we were realistic. We weren't going to stay together if we were miserable, just for the sake of our little boy. Everyone has their opinions and ours was that. My sister's response was "I would stay with the father of my children no matter how unhappy I was. It is what is best for the kids. You and Craig are too selfish to be parents." Why I didn't walk out the door then and there I don't know. But silly me, I stayed. Then the subject turned to maternity bras. My sister and I had discussed previously the fact that I did not want to breast feed. I never intended to. I didn't want to, I didn't feel comfortable doing it and it was totally my decision. One I have stuck to through both my pregnancies. I think it is either your thing or it isn't, and for me it just isn't. End of story. I'm all for people who do and yes it is what nature intended for our little darlings. But it was my choice not to and both my boys were put straight on the bottle. Anyway, knowing this was my decision my sister still asked me if I had bought some good nursing bra's yet. I replied that I hadn't and I wasn't going to breastfeed so I didn't need to. To which she replied "What sort of mother wouldn't want to feed her own child?". Yes this was me with 5 weeks to go with my first baby at the age of 18...and they were my sister's words of advice. After that I left.

The day I went into labor I called her because she had a baby capsule I was going to borrow. Craig asked me where I wanted him to put it, on the side or in the middle. For a reason I don't know I had my heart set on putting it in the middle of the back seat. My sister started giving her "advice" as to why I shouldn't do that, why I should put it on the side. I was in labor. I had been in labour for almost 12 hours. And she was picking a fight over where to put the damn car seat.

Once Noah was born, things were hot and cold. Generally the advice from her seemed to come with a negative tone. Or maybe that was just the way I took it. But I don't think so. The number of visits began to dwindle down, every few weeks to every few months. I remember it being a pretty hot summer's day and I was at my Mum's when my sister called round. Noah was laying on a blanket in his short overalls. He was happy as larry. All my sister could come up with was "Oh you poor thing, laying there on the floor. You'll get cold. Doesn't your Mummy know how to dress you properly?".

After that, we pretty much only saw each other at family birthdays and Christmas. The following year I organised a birthday dinner for her. I even made her a cake. We all went out and I was really looking forward to it. Noah must have been about 15 months old. He wandered around the table to my sister and said something to her in baby babble...my sister grunted at him and turned away. It it the only time I can ever remember my Dad saying something to her, and it was along the lines of "Talk to that kid now." A little while later Craig asked her something to which her reply was a grunted "yes". I packed up our things and I left the restaurant. I didn't even get to eat the cake I had made.

Isn't it strange that these things have happened four years ago, yet I can replay them in my head word for word. I can remember what I was wearing, where we were exactly. Every little detail.

As time went on, our relationship was bumpy. I didn't see much of either of my sisters, except for the occasional play date for the two little ones.

Fast forward to Kaiden being born. Neither of my sisters have seen him since Christmas time, when he was just 10 days old. He is now 7 months to the day. I am planning on Kaiden's christening in the next few weeks. Only one of my sisters came to Noah's and not a single one of my Aunties bothered to show up. I have to admit I am dreading Kaiden's due to this fact - none of my family will come.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I am the problem. but I can honestly say I can't think of a single thing I have said or done to either of my sister's to cause the current situation we are in. I apologised to my sister for my earlier post today, and asked her if we could please sit down to talk about hings. We only get one family and I think it is terrible for our kids to miss growing up together because we can't get along. Her reply was "My kids don't need to see your kids. Its a shame yes, but too bad. Wish Noah and Kaiden happy birthday and merry Christmas from us because we won't be seeing them".

I am sitting here with tears because this makes me beyond sad. I am worried that I will never have any kind of relationship with either of my sisters. I am worried that people reading this are going to think less of us because we have such a dysfunctional family. I am embarrassed that my family is the way it is. I am sure both my sisters, if they read this, will sit there and see a totally different side to the story. And that is their prerogative. I have said the facts, the things that have been said to me and have hurt me so deeply that I can't erase them from my mind. Perhaps people will see it just as me having a bitch. But this is what is on my mind and it is the truth. And I am glad that I have finally put it into words.

I think I was there for my family and now, when I need them, they are no where to be found. I wish I had the family I always wanted, maybe that is why I want my children to have that family. The family like Chantelle had that I always wanted to be part of. The family like Craig has that I love so dearly and truly think o f as my own. I love the fact that his Aunties come to visit me. That his Gran welcomes me with open arms every time I visit. I love that Travis and Megan are so supportive and when times are tough they are here for us and play a big part in the lives of Noah and Kaiden.

Despite everything though, I love both my sisters dearly. And I still wish and hope that, one day, my family can have that same relationship that other families seem to have without any effort. I hope one day my family becomes a little more perfect.