Saturday, July 14, 2007

I always read other people's blogs and think "I wish I could write about things like that" or "I wish I could just say what is really happening and what I really think". Especially after reading Steph's blog. She always writes the most honest stories. I think I don't because I'm scared as to who will read it and what people will think. That people will think less of me or judge me. Or maybe that people just won't like what I have to say and won't listen to me. But tonight I'm putting all that aside, because I really have something I want to say that has been saddening me like no one would believe.

I always wished I had one of those perfect families. I don't. I have a far from perfect family. I used to spend so much of my high school days and onwards at Chantelle's house. And it wasn't just because she was my best friend. It was because she had the best family. I love her family. And I always wished that they were mine. I always wished I had a family just like that. There was always someone around to talk to and they were always so nice to each other. Sure, they had their arguments like every family but that's what made them so great in my eyes. They were fights with love. Not hate. I always wanted one of those relationships with my family where you stuck together and could talk about any ting. You could go anywhere and do anything together. A really tight-knit family. Instead I have two sisters I seem to have nothing in common with and never see.

I was 18 months old when my eldest sister got married. So needless to say, we have never been that close simply because of the age difference. By the time she had two children of her own, I was 9. I loved playing with those kids. My Dad has a farm only a kilometre or so from where she used to live. I used to go out there nearly every weekend with him and ride my bike to her house. I would spend endless amounts of time playing with the kids. Reading them stories, playing in the sand-pit with them. I would fold dozens and dozens of cloth nappies for her while she cooked tea or hung the washing out in peace. And I didn't do it because I felt I had to or was made to feel like I had to. I did it because I wanted to. And because lord I loved those kids. They were more like my little brother and sister than my niece and nephew. As I got older and the kids got older, I guess I didn't see them as much. They were going to school and had their own friends. I was really busy with my athletics. Things just changed. It was no ones fault. But i still remember being out there with those kids like it was yesterday.

When my second sister had her first baby, I was 17. I was in flat out party mode, I had my first job and I had just gotten my licence. The good old days! I used to go out and see her every Wednesday night while her partner was away, and I used to visit on the weekends as well. Even with a hang over :-) I loved playing with that little boy. And I loved spending that one on one time with my sister. We have never been close, just totally different personalities and different people. But those first 9 months of her being a Mum were when we were the closest. At least I think so. It was great and I loved it. We used to take the bubba for walks and my sister even took me for a few driving lessons on the farm right before I got my licence! She was a very brave lady! I was doing a massage course at the time and I used to practice on her. It felt like a real sister relationship. I remember that time with great fondness, and I can honestly say I don't remember us having a single argument in that time. It was almost like the perfect relationship I had always wanted.

Then one month after I turned 18, things seemed to go sour again. And this time it was more than obvious what the reason was. I was pregnant. At a time when I needed the support of my family more than ever, especially my sister, I got none. Well, that isn't exactly true. I got the mixed bag to start with. The offer of baby clothes which I gladly took up. Bits of good advice were thrown to me here and there. And as my due date approached, the here and there bits of good were getting further and further apart.

To be totally honest with everyone, Craig and I had been together for just under a month when I became pregnant. Yes, obviously it was an accident. I don't say mistake because that would imply he should never have been here and I regret having him which I can guarantee I certainly do not. It was just that - an accident. But one which bought a more than positive result for all of us. Except for my relationship with my sister.

I remember being out there one afternoon and I was heavily pregnant. I'm thinking somewhere about the 7 and 1/2 month mark. Because Craig and I hadn't been together very long, we were both totally in tune with the fact that realistically things may not work out. We were both wanting it to and certainly weren't just waiting around for one or the other to do the breaking up. We were very committed. But we were realistic. We weren't going to stay together if we were miserable, just for the sake of our little boy. Everyone has their opinions and ours was that. My sister's response was "I would stay with the father of my children no matter how unhappy I was. It is what is best for the kids. You and Craig are too selfish to be parents." Why I didn't walk out the door then and there I don't know. But silly me, I stayed. Then the subject turned to maternity bras. My sister and I had discussed previously the fact that I did not want to breast feed. I never intended to. I didn't want to, I didn't feel comfortable doing it and it was totally my decision. One I have stuck to through both my pregnancies. I think it is either your thing or it isn't, and for me it just isn't. End of story. I'm all for people who do and yes it is what nature intended for our little darlings. But it was my choice not to and both my boys were put straight on the bottle. Anyway, knowing this was my decision my sister still asked me if I had bought some good nursing bra's yet. I replied that I hadn't and I wasn't going to breastfeed so I didn't need to. To which she replied "What sort of mother wouldn't want to feed her own child?". Yes this was me with 5 weeks to go with my first baby at the age of 18...and they were my sister's words of advice. After that I left.

The day I went into labor I called her because she had a baby capsule I was going to borrow. Craig asked me where I wanted him to put it, on the side or in the middle. For a reason I don't know I had my heart set on putting it in the middle of the back seat. My sister started giving her "advice" as to why I shouldn't do that, why I should put it on the side. I was in labor. I had been in labour for almost 12 hours. And she was picking a fight over where to put the damn car seat.

Once Noah was born, things were hot and cold. Generally the advice from her seemed to come with a negative tone. Or maybe that was just the way I took it. But I don't think so. The number of visits began to dwindle down, every few weeks to every few months. I remember it being a pretty hot summer's day and I was at my Mum's when my sister called round. Noah was laying on a blanket in his short overalls. He was happy as larry. All my sister could come up with was "Oh you poor thing, laying there on the floor. You'll get cold. Doesn't your Mummy know how to dress you properly?".

After that, we pretty much only saw each other at family birthdays and Christmas. The following year I organised a birthday dinner for her. I even made her a cake. We all went out and I was really looking forward to it. Noah must have been about 15 months old. He wandered around the table to my sister and said something to her in baby babble...my sister grunted at him and turned away. It it the only time I can ever remember my Dad saying something to her, and it was along the lines of "Talk to that kid now." A little while later Craig asked her something to which her reply was a grunted "yes". I packed up our things and I left the restaurant. I didn't even get to eat the cake I had made.

Isn't it strange that these things have happened four years ago, yet I can replay them in my head word for word. I can remember what I was wearing, where we were exactly. Every little detail.

As time went on, our relationship was bumpy. I didn't see much of either of my sisters, except for the occasional play date for the two little ones.

Fast forward to Kaiden being born. Neither of my sisters have seen him since Christmas time, when he was just 10 days old. He is now 7 months to the day. I am planning on Kaiden's christening in the next few weeks. Only one of my sisters came to Noah's and not a single one of my Aunties bothered to show up. I have to admit I am dreading Kaiden's due to this fact - none of my family will come.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I am the problem. but I can honestly say I can't think of a single thing I have said or done to either of my sister's to cause the current situation we are in. I apologised to my sister for my earlier post today, and asked her if we could please sit down to talk about hings. We only get one family and I think it is terrible for our kids to miss growing up together because we can't get along. Her reply was "My kids don't need to see your kids. Its a shame yes, but too bad. Wish Noah and Kaiden happy birthday and merry Christmas from us because we won't be seeing them".

I am sitting here with tears because this makes me beyond sad. I am worried that I will never have any kind of relationship with either of my sisters. I am worried that people reading this are going to think less of us because we have such a dysfunctional family. I am embarrassed that my family is the way it is. I am sure both my sisters, if they read this, will sit there and see a totally different side to the story. And that is their prerogative. I have said the facts, the things that have been said to me and have hurt me so deeply that I can't erase them from my mind. Perhaps people will see it just as me having a bitch. But this is what is on my mind and it is the truth. And I am glad that I have finally put it into words.

I think I was there for my family and now, when I need them, they are no where to be found. I wish I had the family I always wanted, maybe that is why I want my children to have that family. The family like Chantelle had that I always wanted to be part of. The family like Craig has that I love so dearly and truly think o f as my own. I love the fact that his Aunties come to visit me. That his Gran welcomes me with open arms every time I visit. I love that Travis and Megan are so supportive and when times are tough they are here for us and play a big part in the lives of Noah and Kaiden.

Despite everything though, I love both my sisters dearly. And I still wish and hope that, one day, my family can have that same relationship that other families seem to have without any effort. I hope one day my family becomes a little more perfect.

33 comments:

Zoe and Jason said...

That is such a touching story... not everyone has a perfect family, some may but alot dont, mine for sure, but this isnt about me. I really hope when your sisters read this they see how you are truly feeling and come to their senses! You are a wonderful and loving person, and i can be apart of your extended family if you like... like an adopted sister :P
but you are a beautiful person, fantastic mum and a wonderful friend and noone can take that away from you. Those boys should be proud to have you as a mum and i am proud to have you as a friend!!!
just wanted to let you know that

Anonymous said...
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daniellerussell309 said...

No family is perfect. We all have problems. We all say things we don't mean and that we do mean but regret saying. I could name a million fights that I have had with my sisters where I have hung up on them, walked out or when I was younger - being a tad violent! The thing to remember is that although you are family, you are completely different. You won't have the same opinions, you won't have the same interests, you might not be friends. If you were not related, you probably wouldn't choose to be around them. When your nephew was born, you had something to share with eachother that brought your relationship to a new level. Obviously, he wasn't going to stay a baby forever and you have both grown up and had your own lives develop since then. Some people are very opinionated and I have definetly put my 2c in over breastfeeding, but now realise how it is such a personal decision with all the bf shit they give you at the hospital!! And Kaiden's christening is meant to be a really special day. If people don't want to make the effort to attend then its their loss. It's a shame to have an argument over the internet - its too hard to judge the other persons reactions and true feelings, perhaps a lunch date or telephone call - something with just you two to get everything off your chest.
Then you can yell and scream and cry, but maybe most importantly you can forgive.

Craig & Robyn said...

Alison the fact that you just said I was "after sympathy votes" is a bitchy thing to say in itself. Everything I just wrote you said and did, I have made none of it up. Please do not use my blog to have a go at me and make ridiculous accusations.

Stepherz said...

I'm so sorry, Robyn! I wish I weren't on the other side of the world because I'd hug you! I do so know what it feels like to want and need a close relationship with loved ones, and for whatever reason, it just keeps falling apart or getting worse.

My sister and I are 11 years apart in age, so I can relate to the age and closeness seperation. I've tried for a few years to be able to connect with her, but it is so hard because we are in different places right now. But I trust that time will heal that.

So I guess my best advice would be to always keep forgiveness and the ability to try again a part of who you are. Because relationships with everyone work that way. Even the kids. Everyone is different and don't see eye to eye. Your kids are little and they are all about mommy. But when they start to grow into themselves, you will find it increasingly a challenge to agree on things with them too. That's because relationships are complicated and diverse. They aren't simple at all. They are humbling. They take work. They are even sometimes downright exhuasting. But the good you get out of them makes it so worth it to keep trying to get it "right". You will only have 2 sisters. They are yours forever. Just do the best you can, and be forgiving of them and yourself. There's NOTHING disfunctional about you or your family. This is all very normal stuff!

I also love that you are using your blog as an outlet. That's what it is for! I share stories like this because it helps me feel better and because if I'm going to bother keeping a blog of my life, I want it to be a reflection of me. And I am anything but shallow. With that said, thank you for sharing your story and I so hope that you can celebrate new beginnings with your sisters in time. Best wishes and GREAT BIG HUGS!

Anonymous said...
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Craig & Robyn said...

This is my story, my thoughts and my feelings. I have deleted comments that were hurtful and inapproapriate.
This post was not made to start an argument, nor was it made to insult people. These things have been said to me and have upset me a lot. I do not appreciate being told that I have no right to feel the way that I do.
I have tried discussing things, I have tried and had my gestures throw back into my face. So yes I have turned to blogging it. And I have every right to.
If people who read this have nothing productive to say then please do not say anything.

Melany aka Supermom said...

I'm so sorry. This is so sad. I'm sorry your family is doing this to you. I have put really really bad things behind me, so that my boys could be friends with their cousins. It's sad that your sister won't do that same.
It's so sad that they won't fix things and love you like they should. HUGS to you

Anonymous said...
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Samantha said...

We are definitely not a perfect family, we have our arguments and disagreements a lot of the time, even with me living 2 days drive from them!
Basically in my opinion its normal to be dysfunctional@
Sometimes its just hard to deal with things, and thats why I congratulate you for using your blog to express your emotions. There is no point holding things in like this, as all it does is eat us up.
Kaiden's christening will be a very special moment and if they choose not to come for petty reasons then that is their loss (as Dani said). I cant go to my niece/nephew's christening as I cant afford it, but if I could be there I would be in the front row celebrating the day with Dani and Luke. If they dont go I know they will regret it as I do, but in my case there isn't anything I can do about it, but I am making a huge effort for Christmas to get home.
And to all those out there who are posting the nasty comments on this blog, boo to you. This is Robyn's blog and a place for her feelings, her emotions hence it is HER blog. Do you ever think that she wants to talk to you? that she wants to be friends with you, not just distant sisters? Sheez I would love to be closer to my sisters. We are in some ways but there is the fact that a lot of families have not that much in common and all that jazz. Look at my blog. A lot of people avoid it as they are sick of me treating my animals like my kids and my best friends... but all I say is it is mine and I can write what I like... Same to you Robyn. Write what you feel
(Ok I dont know if that post makes sense as I am dosed up to the eyeballs on flu stuff so if it doesn't feel free to delete :))

Craig & Robyn said...

It definatley makes sense Sam, thank you :-)
Thank you to all my friends who have left me comments, I appreciate your support. I really do. I know I am not perfect and I know I have said things I shouldn't, but I can admit them and apologise and try to move on. I find it hard to forgive though if people can't recognise that they have hurt me and apologise for doing so.
I also find it very offensive that a so called "friend" of my sister's just left an abusive comment on here. Who ever you are, if you want to write things like that at least have the guts to place your name at the end of the comment. And I am not accusing anyone of anything - these things HAVE been said and done TO ME and as such, I have the right to be upset about them and to talk to my friends about it.

chantelle said...

Robyn... I wish I was there to give you a hug. Everything you have said that has happened over the last few years i remember from when you told at the time they happened... Like you said the fact that they have stayed with you clear as day is a sign that they really hurt you. I'm so sorry that things have gone from bad to worse and even sorrier i can't be there to help you through it face to face.

Truth is, my family isn't that great, trust me! And i believe that family is what you make it, i think of you as my family!

Lets hope that the dust settles and everyone can see that we are only given one family and for the sake of Kaiden, Noah, Hayley and Lachie that differences can be put aside so that these cousins can grow up together..

Chin up babe, i hate that you are hurting so much at the moment... Love you long time xx

Anonymous said...
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Craig & Robyn said...

Annonymous...Please leave your name or I will block you from my site

Anonymous said...
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Craig & Robyn said...

Annonymous...I am not going to use my blog as a place of debate. I have tried many times to talk to the people or persons involved in this on going issue and it has fallen on deaf ears. I did not blog my story to hurt or offend anyone, and I am not apologising for writing what is on my mind.
You say you are not part of my family and clearly you are not my friend, so I see this as none of your business.
I am curious as to why you refuse to leave your name and also as to why you are so interested in taking sides on an issue that has nothing to do with you.

Anonymous said...
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Craig & Robyn said...

My sister and I have been communicating all day...Annonymous you are clearly not my friend or you would say who you are.
Please leave my blog and take your un-educated comments with you.

Anonymous said...
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Craig & Robyn said...

This is getting ridiculous. Annonymous you are clearly NOT my friend and I don't appreciate you filling up my blog with all these comments.
I wrote about something that was troubling me, I am more than entitled to do so. I am not going to open up a debate with someone who won't even say who they are. So unless you are willing to be honest with me, I suggest you quit preaching on my blog.
This is none of your business and I am being as nice as possible to you. I will say it simply so you can understand me - PLEASE GO AWAY.

Anonymous said...
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daniellerussell309 said...

Easy enough to block anon comments for those that have something to say but are not willing to put their name to it! It's one thing to have an opinion on a subject, another altogether to not own up to your opinion. Perhaps scared of retribution? Why hide - if you want to put your view out there, at least own it!
Love ya Robyn - use your power as blog adminstrator..!

Craig & Robyn said...

I agree Dani...I have no issue with people leaving comments on my blog. As long as they are appropriate they are welcomed. What I don't appreciate is some sticky beak getting involved in somehting that isn't their problem and telling me what I should say, what I shouldn't say and what I should do.
I wrote how I feel and I wrote what happened to me.
Like Dani said - if you have something to say at least be willing to put your name on it instead of hiding behind the annonymous tag.
I did not post this so people would give me sympathy. I am not going to justify why I posted it, I have already explained why and I am not going to do it again.
So annonymous, please find something better to do with your Sunday night than sit at your computer and become obsessed with my life.
I am not interested in a random person's thoughts on an issue they know nothing about. And I am certainly not interested in sitting here deleting comments from you.

Anonymous said...
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Robin D said...

Anonymous- what does it matter if Robyn seems to be bitching she's trying to get things of her chest and its her blog so she can do as she pleases! You're the Bitch that won't leave her alone and it seems your trying to turn a senstive situation into a bad one! Just let it be and leave Robyn alone!!
Robyn-I'm sorry for your situation and the things that have been said and done that have hurt your feelings. Hopefully one day you'll have the close relationship with your sisters that you've always wanted. It seem like it might take a lot of work but I'm sure in the end it will be worth it. I can't imagine what you're going through but just a piece of advice hopefully an apology will be given and once it does forgive her. It will be even harder to be close if one of you is always bringing up your negative past. I read that you and your sister have been talking and I hope you can patch things together and become closer as the years go by and that the kiddies will be the best of friends and cousins! Good luck!

Samantha said...
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Samantha said...

Lets see... Mr/Mrs Anonymous... you seem to be a chicken since you cant even leave your name..step up and take responsibility for your actions.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and seem foolish...then to open it and have all doubt removed" I think we can all see how foolish you are. Go Away and leave things alone. We have told you once, we will tell you twice maybe three times. Its Robyn's Blog... her thoughts, her feelings, her emotions. Not yours. Not for your opinions... especially when your opinions are not asked for.

Craig & Robyn said...

I don't really care what a random person thinks it sounds like! I am not having a bitch, if I was I woldn't have written it with tears in my eyes at 1 in the morning.
So bugger off and please don't leave nasty comments on my blog. Especially when they have nothing to do with you! This is not your problem, you said yourself you are not family so it does not concern you in the slightest.
Whoever you are, it seems to me that you have serious issues of your own to deal with as you suddenly seem obsessed with mine. If you are trying to upset me then it has not worked, sorry to disappoint you!
Please never visit my blog again.

Anonymous said...
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Craig & Robyn said...

I'm very sorry some of you think I am being bitchy...I definatley wasn't intending to be and if it came across that way then I am sorry.
I think it is sad that I even have this stuff to write about in the first place. And for those of you who also think this is no way to fix things - I have tried to fix things. I have tried emailing, I have tried talking, I have tried texting. I have tried to offer to put everything behind me and move on and my efforts have been rejected.
I did not ask for people to comment, the people who choose to are more than welcome. But if you have something to say then at least be willing to put your name to it or don't bother because I will delete the comment regardless of what it says.
I think this has completely spun out of control. I am being critised and judged for writing about what I feel and quite honestly, I don't need it. I have enough going on and enough worrying me right now that I don't need random people who won't even reveal themselves stirring up trouble.

daniellerussell309 said...

Good girl - no more mrs. anon.
I can't believe the number of comments on this post! Even if half of them are from someone that knows you and wont tell u who...childish. Hmm.

Anonymous said...

Hi Robin, remember me - Danielle's mum. Your little boy Noah and I share the same birthday. Disfunctional families are something that everyone has to deal with - either personally or know someone who has one. I have a brother and 3 sisters. I see them if I make the effort to go to Tassie. 1 has been to NT to see us. Inlaws and Outlaws have all been to visit. Its a shame that this has happened. Life is too short and 1 day both of your sisters will realise that. I did spend some time with Kate when I lived in Deloraine, but lost touch with her since I moved - but then have lost touch with most. I miss seeing my family and the kids know that - but life goes on and I have Karlee, Danielle, Samantha and Craig, their partners and a grandchild due soon. Hopefully things will be brighter in the future and your family will come together again. If not - you have a loving partner in Craig and two wonderful kids - enjoy your life with them - if your family choose not to share this with you - you haven't lost anything - THEY HAVE!!
You take care and you never know - maybe Danielle and myself and the Baby may appear in Deloraine to have lunch with you again sometime.
Fiona. I have to sign as anonymous as I don't have a blog user name.

Craig & Robyn said...

Hey Fiona!
Thank you so much for leaving me such a nice comment, it really made me smile :-)
I can't wait for the day you guys came back down to Tassie, I want to see this gorgeous little bubba of Dani's! Maybe if we kep saving we'll be able to come up to see you guys - I'd love a holiday!